Chapter 5 Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

May 2007

My attorney tells me this is it. This is the day my divorce will become final and my new life can begin. I'm am reluctant to believe them, because I've been hearing all this for the past 2 years. It makes me wonder if it will ever end. And, so this last court date will be like every other, I am asked to wait...wait while the professionals work their "magic." Hence the last chapter:

So here I am, having survived the divorce process and I find myself wondering: who the hell am I? I have brief glimpses of the career woman I was: able to do public speaking, give press conferences, address a State Assembly Task Force. I had built a reputation as a hard worker, who didn't give up until the job was done, and done correctly. My marketing efforts won national awards, and I was often asked to write articles for local and national publications. I was constantly offered employment opportunities and I wasn't even 30! Looking back at all that, I'm proud of the person I once was. And I wonder if she inside me somewhere, and can I get her to come out again.


Today, I look in the mirror and find myself wondering who this is I see looking back at me. I used to be cute, and funny, and confident, and capable. Now I see a woman who is so unsure of herself; who questions every decision, and is sometimes unable to do what she knows needs to be done. Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm still very much afraid of the consequences of my actions, as I was throughout my marriage. In my relationship with others, I find myself so eager to please and so in need of constant reassurance that what I'm doing is correct. I see this in myself, but something is holding me back from changing this, and I don't know what that is.

It as though I can picture the person I want to be, but she's far away and I don't know how to reach her. And I am trying, every day, to be the person I want to be; to put my fears aside and do what's best despite the consequences.

From the outside, it looks like I'm doing just that. I've started my own business, I've fallen in love again, I am trying to sell my house. All these thing I see as important steps to healing the wounds still deep inside me.

My counselor, my family and friends, all tell me I should be proud of what I've survived and what I have built on my own. But I'm not. And I hate that about myself. In my business, my relationship with Jeff, I am this insecure, whinny child who is afraid it might all come crashing down at any minute. Is it so far-fetched that because of my experience I can run a company? I have fulfilled a life-long dream here and I'm sitting here waiting for it to fall.

Is it so hard to believe that a man could find me attractive, even sexy? That this same man could actually love me and want a future with me? Yes, it is too hard to believe. So I find myself trying to sabotage the relationship. I pick fights, I find any reason to break up with him because I'm worried that he will someday see the really Ann and not want to be with me at all. So better to be the breaker than the breakee, right?

Chapter 2 Does Someone Have a Band-Aid?

January, 2006

In college, I earned a minor degree in Sociology. Ironically, the subject of several papers I wrote to achieve this degree was on the abuse of women. My biggest problem with this issue was that I could never understand why a woman would stay in an abusive situation. I mean really, how stupid would a woman have to be to: 1) Get into an abusive situation and 2) Stay in that situation.

Looking back, I wonder if it was some kind of prediction or premonition, whatever, that I would spend so much time studying this complex social problem, only to find out, years later, that I had become one of those "stupid women" I wrote about. I am a victim of abuse at the hand of my ex-husband. There! I said it! So why was that so difficult? It's probably because I'm assuming other people will read this and think the exact same thoughts about me as I did about the women I studied so many years ago: "What a loser!" "How could she be so stupid?"

But having lived through it, and escaped from it, I can honestly say that I am not a loser, or weak, or flaccid. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am powerful. I just fell in love with the wrong person and I let that person dictate the way my life was going to be. I know you're wondering why I let this happen, and I really don't have a clue. That's probably a question for a mental professional, and believe me, I've asked several, but there is no easy answer to the question: Why? It doesn't really matter. What matters most is understanding, as I didn't throughout my marriage exactly what abuse is all about.

I guess it all starts with understand exactly what an abusive relationship is really like. Many people think abuse is purely physical. If I don't have any bruises I must not be in an abusive relationship. But I've learned that abuse takes on so many different forms. In fact, it was my children's counselor who first suggested that I was a victim of an abusive relationship. She gave me this matrix called "The Power and Control Perspective" and it wasn't until after I read it that I realized the abuse I had suffered at the hand of my husband.

"The Power and Control Perspective" suggests that in addition physical abuse, there is also Economic Abuse. This involves making a person financially dependent. In the beginning of my marriage I was working full-time and making about $45,000 per year. I never saw a paycheck. It was always deposited into our joint checking account. I, of course, had no access to this money. I was given $20 a week for spending money. Purchases for our house were really a result of my ex's decision. In the beginning, I remember fighting for certain things, like wanting new carpeting instead of a big screen TV. But, just like a child who doesn't get there way, I eventually stopped. Here's the thing people need to remember, the one thing I've learned only after these was over: "It takes two people to make a marriage work. And although you both may not get your way every time, you need to compromise. A LOT!

The funny thing about my situation was that I was married to a doctor. While money, especially not having enough of it, is typically a major source of arguments in most marriages, it really never was with us. We always had enough money for whatever we, or should I say he, wanted. And unfortunately, if I wanted to spend money on the kids, or the house, I really wasn't able to unless it was on something that had "show" value. For example, after the kids got older we decided we needed new furniture for our family room. He wanted leather, so rather than argue against it, I gave in. Hey, at least it was new furniture, right? So I shopped around for the best value and found something I liked. Meanwhile, my ex found out that a colleague of his had purchased custom-made, hand-stitched leather furniture from a very expensive furniture store. We went there one day to look. The furniture was more than double the price of the set I found. Furthermore, for what that set cost, I could get 2 chairs and new carpeting and still have money left over if he had let me buy the furniture I wanted! But, you see, it wasn't the best. And heaven forbid we not keep up with the "Jones."

Things got worse once I had my daughter. My ex insisted that I give up my job. His favorite saying was "You're the one who wanted kids, you can take care of them." So even though I had a job I loved and a boss who was willing to work around my new role as a mother, I gave up my job and any chance I had to be financially independent again. It is sad that we can all talk about family values and raising responsible children, but we look down on mothers that give up their careers for their families. And, of course, if you're not beginning in a paycheck, what value do you add to the family, right?

Another form of abuse is psychological abuse. This is when a person lives in fear of the consequences of their actions or what someone might do to them. Here the abuser tries to intimidate and threaten, to instill fear. For example, telling you wife she can no longer see her parents, taking the battery cable off the car so she can't go anywhere, telling her if she ever leaves he will take away her children. What's most sad here is that this not only affected my feeling about myself, but also my relationship with others. My friends would often call and ask me to do things like go to the movies, shopping. I rarely did, because having to ask and be denied or listen to a lecture about how selfish I was for asking, or how he wasn't going to watch the kids because I was the one who wanted them was more painful than saying no and losing that connection to my outside world. And how could I explain to anyone why I wasn't able to go? They might find out what my marriage was really like.

My ex used to leave me a list of chores every day. I remember, so clearly, the anxiety I would feel if I wasn't able to get through that list. At times it would make me physicially ill. And God forbid one of the kids was sick or needy! Their needs just had to wait until that damn list of chores was done. Yep, I guess that one applies too.

Then there's emotional abuse where a person's self esteem or self worth is attacked. Insults, criticism, name calling are all forms of emotional abuse. My mantra was "Your stupid, fat and ugly." I was told that if I left I wouldn't be able to support myself because no one would hire someone as stupid as me. If I ever left I would be alone for the rest of my life because who would want to be with someone as fat and as ugly as me. Yep - that on fits too.

Of course, let's not forget sexual abuse. This is when a person attempts to undermine another's sexuality by criticizing sexual performance, withholding sex, telling someone they are not sexually appealing. Let's see, I was never touched when I was pregnant with our children because the sight of me fat made him sick. When he could not ejaculate it was because I was repulsive, or had no idea how to be sexy. It wasn't until I met Jeff that I realized that I was not sexually disfunctional, and that I just might be appealing to others.

As I'm writing this there's one thought that keeps popping into my head. "I wish he would have just hit me." Doesn't that sound ridiculous. Who would ever wish to be beaten? But my theory here is that the pain and the bruise from a punch or a slap will heal quickly. The bruises I received are hidden so deeply within me that I don't know if I will ever be free of them.

I think there are several positive outcomes I can see from going through this exercise. First of all, I can clearly see now that I was abused by my husband. Maybe, like alcoholism, admitting it is the first step. I now know that most of my feelings that I'm not worth anything come from him. And that makes me mad. I'm mad because I feel like I've been robbed of the gift of me: Of the person I once was and the person I could have been. Think of all the things I could have done, people I could have influenced.

Will I ever be whole again?

Chapter 3 Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain"

January 2006


Here we are in court once again. I'm waiting...waiting...waiting. This whole process seems so bizarre and unreal. We have laws and rule that our society is to live by. We have punishments and conequences for not following these rules. But somehow these rules of contact do not apply to the legal system of divoce. We can basically do as we please here. We can follow the rules, as I have, or continually break them, as my ex has, with absolutely no consequences or punishment.


I have to keep reminding myself why I started this whole thing in the first place. So many times I find myself wanting to give up, throw in the towel and get on with my life. But I know I can't do that for the sake of my children. I have to continue to fight the fight until it comes to an end.

My greatest motivation in filing for divorce was because I didn't want my children to think this was the way a marriage should work. I don't want Melissa to end up with a man how controls her behavior to the point that she does not because the person she wants to be.

And how can I explan to Joe that this is not how you treat a woman. How will he learn respect and working together and listening to his wife's opinions and feelings if he sees that his mother doesn't have an opinion of her own.

My biggest fear is that my kids will grow up so affected by all of this that they will end up in similar situations. They've spent there life watching their mother be pushed around and watching their father do the pushing. How has this changed their perspective?

So, with my kids as my motivation, off I went in search of an attorney. You have no idea how scarey that was. What if Mike found out? What if I couldn't go through with it? But with the support of my friends and family, I was able to put the legal wheels in motion.