Wants and Needs

Did you ever want something so badly that it made you blind to the imperfections? I think that's where I'm at with Jeff. I find myself wondering if I love HIM or the idea of a "HIM." Does that make sense? I'm trying really hard to figure this one out so bare with me.

I know the man I met. I know the man I fell in love with. Did he change so much that he's not the same person or did I? Was I so thrilled at the idea of being loved and loving that I didn't see the flaws? The man I fell in love with was so sweet. He would do these random acts of kindness just to show he cared. He would rearrange things just to be with me. He made me smile and laugh. The Jeff I know now doesn't do a thing to make me feel special. My birthday? Valentines? Nothing! The Jeff I met made everyday feel like Valentine's Day. Now all he does is criticize, yell, swear and make me feel total inadequate. And you know something weird? The last time he started treating me like this was when he started cheating on me. Coincidence? I don't think so. I find myself wondering why. Why would he do this to me? The man I fell in love with wanted me and only me. This current Jeff says he wants me, but his actions say the exact opposite!

So did I not see all this in the beginning? Did he hide it? Was I blind to it? Have I changed? Did he? You know what...it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I know I'm a good person. I'm kind and funny and generous. I have so much to give the right person. And most importantly, I should never settle for less than what I deserve. And what I deserve is everything. Hell, I'm willing to give it, right?! The man I end up with would be lucky to have me. End of story!

You Don't Find Love. Love Finds You

I'm broken hearted. It hurts so much I sometimes have to remind myself to breathe. I keep on asking myself why I'm so upset. This was my choice. This was my decision. And I still believe it was the right decision for everyone concerned. So why, then, do I feel so sad? And how do I fill the hole where my heart used to be?

I think I've finally figured it out. I think it's because I've been looking at this love thing all wrong. I thought I fell in love with Jeff. As if I had a say in the matter. Instead, I think that love finds us, whether we want it to or not. We, basically, have no say in the matter. And that's maybe why we find ourselves in love with someone that perhaps are heads can't understand. I remember thinking, when my head was in control, that Jeff was not even close to the type of man I thought I was attracted to. But to me, and to my heart, he was the sweetest, kindest, sexiest, man I will ever know. And any woman would be fortunate to have him in their life.

It was his smile...and his eyes (they actually sparkled). And when we met it was as though I had known him forever. It all seemed so easy. It all felt so right.

Looking back I am actually amazed that he stayed with me for so long. He probably would have stayed with me forever. We both made so many stupid mistakes. I can't explain his mistakes, but I know all the ones that I made. I acted foolish and childish and selfish and insecure. And yet this man kept on coming back to me. Again, it was as if, despite all the stupidity and problems and fights and anger; and despite our heads not understand the rationale behind our heart's choice, we found ourselves always back together. Which, for me at least, felt like where I needed to be; where I finally belonged.

I know my decision to end this doesn't make sense. And I know I'll spend the rest of my miserable life regretting it. But I also I know this is the right choice. Maybe not for me, or my heart, but for Jeff, and my kids, and his and their future happiness. Maybe I'm not as selfish as I think I am. No one deserves everything this man went through. No one should have to live with the craziness that's gone on. No one needs to have someone who may never be whole again. And, as selfish as I know I am, the fact that he endured it all, and was still by my side makes me love him even more. I love you Jeffrey David Moyer. And I hope you know I always will.