Right Back Where I Started
I started this blog with that ridiculous statement: "If Life Gives You Lemons..." Oddly enough, I find myself right back where I started.
I've come to the conclusion that this IS my life. It has it's challenges and difficulties, setbacks and heartaches, tears and worries. But it's all mine. And if I look at the flip side of this picture, I see it from a totally different perspective. From the flip side, I see progress and forward motion. I see positive changes and lessons learned. And, most importantly, I see myself. I'm still here. I'm still moving forward. And in between the tears and sadness I can see smiles and happiness and hope.
So, Ann, instead of feeling trapped, used, and targeted for heartache, see yourself as a survivor.
My health: I'm finally taking control of my body and health afain, instead of the other way around. I've started eating better, taking vitamins, working out, and stopped smoking. All this has resulted in a loss of 12 pounds and feeling so much better. I really let myself go there. I wonder if because of all the stress from my relationship with Jeff, I used food and laziness to ease the pain. Who cares? Right? What matters now is I am feeling so much better than I was before. And, as an extra bonus, I'm looking sexy again! I'm actually getting attention from man when I'm workng out at Bally's.
My business: My business has made it through the first year. That's an important landmark! The prospects for the future look really good. And I know, deep in my heart now, that this will work; that this will be successful. So, what lessons were learned? I learned to trust myself and my capabilities. I learned to realize that every business has ups and downs, busy times and slow times. So you need to take advantage of the busy times as a means of planning for the slow times. And I learned that, despite the fact that I think I'm wonderful, not everyone else will. I'll lose potential clients, and that's OK. I don't have to take it as a personal attack.
My children: I've learned that my children have been through just as much hurt and pain and conflict as I have. Maybe even more so, since they didn't ask for any of this. It hasn't been easy for me, so I now understand how difficult this was for them. We're getting it together. I'm changing the way I deal with them. I'm changing the way I react to them. I'm changing the way we connect to each other. I know people think the kids are the ones who need to change, not me. But this new counselor and this new program have proven that by me changing, the whole dynamic of our family changes. It's amazing to see and to me, at least, it makes sense. Is it all perfect now? No, not at all. But it is moving in the right direction. And, I can't tell you how good these changes make me feel. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm in control of my kids and my household. We've got rules and expectations and consequences and rewards when the rules and expectations are met. Do they still sometimes break the rules? Absolutely! But now when that happens there is no yelling, or screaming and the incident doesn't escalate out of control. The consequences simply fall into place. And they get it. They now realize that mom "means what she says, and says what she means!"
My love life: It's been an interesting journey here, hasn't it. I thought the search was over and I had found the man of my dreams. I guess I found out differently. This is one area of my life that I definitely need to work on. As I look back at my relationship with Jeff, I can see mistakes I made. Probably the biggest mistake was letting it go on for so long, when I knew (yes, Ann you knew), that he was cheating on me all along. This all goes back to the little voice theory. I need to remember to listen to that voice because, in the case, it was right on the money. But I eonder why did I allow he to do that to me over and over and over again? Why did I put up with that? Why would I let myself be treated like that? Have I learned nothing from my relationship with Mike? And why do I keep on thinking that I can change someone elses behavior. I can't. I kept on thinking that things would change with Jeff. I kept on not seeing what was right in front of me. Why? I deserve better. I deserve someone who is honest, and faithful and trustworthy. Jeff, does not have those characteristics. He said it himself at the beginning, that he was never faithful to anyone. Why did I think I would be any different? I deserve to be loved unconditional. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be accepted for who I am, despite my shortcomings. Time to move on Ann. It's time to not jump into a relationship heart first. There's no hurry here. I've got the rest of my life to find the one person who sets my soul on fire. And I will find him. Of this I'm sure! And now that I'm back out there it's kind of fun. For the first time, I'm not pursuing men. They're pursuing me. What a boost to my ego. Maybe Jeff was right. Maybe I am beautiful and sexy. Too bad that wasn't enough for him, because for the first time in over 2 years I can honestly say it is HIS lose!
Family and friends: OK, it's pay back time here. I'm blessed. I really am. I don't think there is another person on earth who has a better support system than I do. My family is amazing. My friends are unbelievable. They are the ones that have gotten me here. And now that I'm able, it's time for me to pay them back. Time for me to help instead of being helped. Time for me to listen instead of talk. Time for me to give of myself for them. Time to be there without even being asked.
So, there you have it. I've put all the past behind me. And I'm moving forward with a positive attitude. I pray I always remember where I was, so that I can realize that getting to where I am wasn't an easy task. But I did it! I made it! And that knowledge alone should give me hope that I can survive anything!
What's that pray? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
I've come to the conclusion that this IS my life. It has it's challenges and difficulties, setbacks and heartaches, tears and worries. But it's all mine. And if I look at the flip side of this picture, I see it from a totally different perspective. From the flip side, I see progress and forward motion. I see positive changes and lessons learned. And, most importantly, I see myself. I'm still here. I'm still moving forward. And in between the tears and sadness I can see smiles and happiness and hope.
So, Ann, instead of feeling trapped, used, and targeted for heartache, see yourself as a survivor.
My health: I'm finally taking control of my body and health afain, instead of the other way around. I've started eating better, taking vitamins, working out, and stopped smoking. All this has resulted in a loss of 12 pounds and feeling so much better. I really let myself go there. I wonder if because of all the stress from my relationship with Jeff, I used food and laziness to ease the pain. Who cares? Right? What matters now is I am feeling so much better than I was before. And, as an extra bonus, I'm looking sexy again! I'm actually getting attention from man when I'm workng out at Bally's.
My business: My business has made it through the first year. That's an important landmark! The prospects for the future look really good. And I know, deep in my heart now, that this will work; that this will be successful. So, what lessons were learned? I learned to trust myself and my capabilities. I learned to realize that every business has ups and downs, busy times and slow times. So you need to take advantage of the busy times as a means of planning for the slow times. And I learned that, despite the fact that I think I'm wonderful, not everyone else will. I'll lose potential clients, and that's OK. I don't have to take it as a personal attack.
My children: I've learned that my children have been through just as much hurt and pain and conflict as I have. Maybe even more so, since they didn't ask for any of this. It hasn't been easy for me, so I now understand how difficult this was for them. We're getting it together. I'm changing the way I deal with them. I'm changing the way I react to them. I'm changing the way we connect to each other. I know people think the kids are the ones who need to change, not me. But this new counselor and this new program have proven that by me changing, the whole dynamic of our family changes. It's amazing to see and to me, at least, it makes sense. Is it all perfect now? No, not at all. But it is moving in the right direction. And, I can't tell you how good these changes make me feel. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm in control of my kids and my household. We've got rules and expectations and consequences and rewards when the rules and expectations are met. Do they still sometimes break the rules? Absolutely! But now when that happens there is no yelling, or screaming and the incident doesn't escalate out of control. The consequences simply fall into place. And they get it. They now realize that mom "means what she says, and says what she means!"
My love life: It's been an interesting journey here, hasn't it. I thought the search was over and I had found the man of my dreams. I guess I found out differently. This is one area of my life that I definitely need to work on. As I look back at my relationship with Jeff, I can see mistakes I made. Probably the biggest mistake was letting it go on for so long, when I knew (yes, Ann you knew), that he was cheating on me all along. This all goes back to the little voice theory. I need to remember to listen to that voice because, in the case, it was right on the money. But I eonder why did I allow he to do that to me over and over and over again? Why did I put up with that? Why would I let myself be treated like that? Have I learned nothing from my relationship with Mike? And why do I keep on thinking that I can change someone elses behavior. I can't. I kept on thinking that things would change with Jeff. I kept on not seeing what was right in front of me. Why? I deserve better. I deserve someone who is honest, and faithful and trustworthy. Jeff, does not have those characteristics. He said it himself at the beginning, that he was never faithful to anyone. Why did I think I would be any different? I deserve to be loved unconditional. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be accepted for who I am, despite my shortcomings. Time to move on Ann. It's time to not jump into a relationship heart first. There's no hurry here. I've got the rest of my life to find the one person who sets my soul on fire. And I will find him. Of this I'm sure! And now that I'm back out there it's kind of fun. For the first time, I'm not pursuing men. They're pursuing me. What a boost to my ego. Maybe Jeff was right. Maybe I am beautiful and sexy. Too bad that wasn't enough for him, because for the first time in over 2 years I can honestly say it is HIS lose!
Family and friends: OK, it's pay back time here. I'm blessed. I really am. I don't think there is another person on earth who has a better support system than I do. My family is amazing. My friends are unbelievable. They are the ones that have gotten me here. And now that I'm able, it's time for me to pay them back. Time for me to help instead of being helped. Time for me to listen instead of talk. Time for me to give of myself for them. Time to be there without even being asked.
So, there you have it. I've put all the past behind me. And I'm moving forward with a positive attitude. I pray I always remember where I was, so that I can realize that getting to where I am wasn't an easy task. But I did it! I made it! And that knowledge alone should give me hope that I can survive anything!
What's that pray? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
posted by ann @ 6:11 AM
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