How Could I Be So Stupid?
I'm not perfect. I know this and accept it. But I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent. I've gotten through 45 years of life, given birth and raised two children, started my business, ended an abusive marriage. There must be something other than space located between my ears, right? And yet, at this moment in time I find myself asking myself: How could you be so stupid?
I must admit I'm embarrassed to even explain this but since the rest of these blogs have helped me resolve issues in my life, what the heck. Almost a year after I filed for my divorce, I finally came to the realization that I was going to be alone, maybe for the rest of my life. And, while my head was willing to accept all this, my heart was begging for more. One lonely night, my heart got the best of me. And on a whim, I put my profile on an online dating website. Of that came one man. One man who would change my life forever.
We talked several times on the phone. He was funny and charming and sounded like someone I might want to get to know. So, one night we decided to meet at a local restaurant. When I walk in and saw him leaning on the bar my heart literally skipped a beat. He's eyes twinkled and his smile was intoxicating. After a drink or two, some food, and delightful conversation I asked him what I was now dying to find out. I asked him if I could kiss him. You see, call me crazy or a sucker for romance, but I really believe that first kiss can say so much. There are either sparks or not. You will either want more, or not.
The kiss...wow...even now, after all this time and everything that has happened, I can still remember that feeling. And that was all I needed. I knew I'd want more. Much more. We started dating and it seemed to be that we couldn't get enough of each other. I don't mean this simply in a sexual way, althoug that was incredible. I also wanted more of his company, his laughter, his time and his life. And he said he wanted the same. I tried to resist, I really did. "Don't rush in Ann?" my head was saying. But I couldn't really hear that over the beating of my heart. And so I rushed in, heart first. Two months after I met him, I actually proposed to him. I had never felt this way in my life, even with my ex-husband.
You know that saying, "Love is blind?" Well I can honestly tell you that it is so true. When you're in love you see what you want to see. Believe what you want to believe. And you ignore all the signs that, if your head was in control of all this, would make you realize exactly what was going on.
While he was dating me, and loving me and planning a future with me, he was also doing the exact same things with other women. Many, many other woman. He bought these women gifts, and proclaimed his love for them. The intricate web of lies he wove is really amazing, and, if it wasn't so sick, might even be called impressive. And I fell for it all....hook, line, and sinker. I believe his lies. I forgave his short-comings, and I allowed myself to get stuck too deep into the muck he created.
I am sick over this. I am heart broken and feel ill at the thought that I have given this man so much. I wish I could be mad at Jeff. But I'm not. I'm just so damn sad and hurt. Instead I'm mad at myself. The same chant keeps on playing over and over in my head: How could you be so stupid!
I must admit I'm embarrassed to even explain this but since the rest of these blogs have helped me resolve issues in my life, what the heck. Almost a year after I filed for my divorce, I finally came to the realization that I was going to be alone, maybe for the rest of my life. And, while my head was willing to accept all this, my heart was begging for more. One lonely night, my heart got the best of me. And on a whim, I put my profile on an online dating website. Of that came one man. One man who would change my life forever.
We talked several times on the phone. He was funny and charming and sounded like someone I might want to get to know. So, one night we decided to meet at a local restaurant. When I walk in and saw him leaning on the bar my heart literally skipped a beat. He's eyes twinkled and his smile was intoxicating. After a drink or two, some food, and delightful conversation I asked him what I was now dying to find out. I asked him if I could kiss him. You see, call me crazy or a sucker for romance, but I really believe that first kiss can say so much. There are either sparks or not. You will either want more, or not.
The kiss...wow...even now, after all this time and everything that has happened, I can still remember that feeling. And that was all I needed. I knew I'd want more. Much more. We started dating and it seemed to be that we couldn't get enough of each other. I don't mean this simply in a sexual way, althoug that was incredible. I also wanted more of his company, his laughter, his time and his life. And he said he wanted the same. I tried to resist, I really did. "Don't rush in Ann?" my head was saying. But I couldn't really hear that over the beating of my heart. And so I rushed in, heart first. Two months after I met him, I actually proposed to him. I had never felt this way in my life, even with my ex-husband.
You know that saying, "Love is blind?" Well I can honestly tell you that it is so true. When you're in love you see what you want to see. Believe what you want to believe. And you ignore all the signs that, if your head was in control of all this, would make you realize exactly what was going on.
While he was dating me, and loving me and planning a future with me, he was also doing the exact same things with other women. Many, many other woman. He bought these women gifts, and proclaimed his love for them. The intricate web of lies he wove is really amazing, and, if it wasn't so sick, might even be called impressive. And I fell for it all....hook, line, and sinker. I believe his lies. I forgave his short-comings, and I allowed myself to get stuck too deep into the muck he created.
I am sick over this. I am heart broken and feel ill at the thought that I have given this man so much. I wish I could be mad at Jeff. But I'm not. I'm just so damn sad and hurt. Instead I'm mad at myself. The same chant keeps on playing over and over in my head: How could you be so stupid!
It's not about the money, or the gifts, or the favors, or the meals, or the laundry, or the time I'd invested in the relationship. It's so much more than that. I gave him my heart. I opened my soul and let him in. I was there for him when he was sick. I was there when he lost his job. I feel like I gave so much of myself. But I did it willingly, because I loved him and that, to me, is what love is all about. Even worse, I planned my future around him. And now the dream is gone. It's all gone up in flames and there is nothing left but ashes, and an emptiness inside me.
And now, I ask again: How could I be so stupid?
And now, I ask again: How could I be so stupid?
posted by ann @ 3:40 PM
0 comments
