You Don't Find Love. Love Finds You

I'm broken hearted. It hurts so much I sometimes have to remind myself to breathe. I keep on asking myself why I'm so upset. This was my choice. This was my decision. And I still believe it was the right decision for everyone concerned. So why, then, do I feel so sad? And how do I fill the hole where my heart used to be?

I think I've finally figured it out. I think it's because I've been looking at this love thing all wrong. I thought I fell in love with Jeff. As if I had a say in the matter. Instead, I think that love finds us, whether we want it to or not. We, basically, have no say in the matter. And that's maybe why we find ourselves in love with someone that perhaps are heads can't understand. I remember thinking, when my head was in control, that Jeff was not even close to the type of man I thought I was attracted to. But to me, and to my heart, he was the sweetest, kindest, sexiest, man I will ever know. And any woman would be fortunate to have him in their life.

It was his smile...and his eyes (they actually sparkled). And when we met it was as though I had known him forever. It all seemed so easy. It all felt so right.

Looking back I am actually amazed that he stayed with me for so long. He probably would have stayed with me forever. We both made so many stupid mistakes. I can't explain his mistakes, but I know all the ones that I made. I acted foolish and childish and selfish and insecure. And yet this man kept on coming back to me. Again, it was as if, despite all the stupidity and problems and fights and anger; and despite our heads not understand the rationale behind our heart's choice, we found ourselves always back together. Which, for me at least, felt like where I needed to be; where I finally belonged.

I know my decision to end this doesn't make sense. And I know I'll spend the rest of my miserable life regretting it. But I also I know this is the right choice. Maybe not for me, or my heart, but for Jeff, and my kids, and his and their future happiness. Maybe I'm not as selfish as I think I am. No one deserves everything this man went through. No one should have to live with the craziness that's gone on. No one needs to have someone who may never be whole again. And, as selfish as I know I am, the fact that he endured it all, and was still by my side makes me love him even more. I love you Jeffrey David Moyer. And I hope you know I always will.