Chapter 5 Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are
May 2007
My attorney tells me this is it. This is the day my divorce will become final and my new life can begin. I'm am reluctant to believe them, because I've been hearing all this for the past 2 years. It makes me wonder if it will ever end. And, so this last court date will be like every other, I am asked to wait...wait while the professionals work their "magic." Hence the last chapter:
So here I am, having survived the divorce process and I find myself wondering: who the hell am I? I have brief glimpses of the career woman I was: able to do public speaking, give press conferences, address a State Assembly Task Force. I had built a reputation as a hard worker, who didn't give up until the job was done, and done correctly. My marketing efforts won national awards, and I was often asked to write articles for local and national publications. I was constantly offered employment opportunities and I wasn't even 30! Looking back at all that, I'm proud of the person I once was. And I wonder if she inside me somewhere, and can I get her to come out again.
Today, I look in the mirror and find myself wondering who this is I see looking back at me. I used to be cute, and funny, and confident, and capable. Now I see a woman who is so unsure of herself; who questions every decision, and is sometimes unable to do what she knows needs to be done. Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm still very much afraid of the consequences of my actions, as I was throughout my marriage. In my relationship with others, I find myself so eager to please and so in need of constant reassurance that what I'm doing is correct. I see this in myself, but something is holding me back from changing this, and I don't know what that is.
It as though I can picture the person I want to be, but she's far away and I don't know how to reach her. And I am trying, every day, to be the person I want to be; to put my fears aside and do what's best despite the consequences.
From the outside, it looks like I'm doing just that. I've started my own business, I've fallen in love again, I am trying to sell my house. All these thing I see as important steps to healing the wounds still deep inside me.
My counselor, my family and friends, all tell me I should be proud of what I've survived and what I have built on my own. But I'm not. And I hate that about myself. In my business, my relationship with Jeff, I am this insecure, whinny child who is afraid it might all come crashing down at any minute. Is it so far-fetched that because of my experience I can run a company? I have fulfilled a life-long dream here and I'm sitting here waiting for it to fall.
Is it so hard to believe that a man could find me attractive, even sexy? That this same man could actually love me and want a future with me? Yes, it is too hard to believe. So I find myself trying to sabotage the relationship. I pick fights, I find any reason to break up with him because I'm worried that he will someday see the really Ann and not want to be with me at all. So better to be the breaker than the breakee, right?
My attorney tells me this is it. This is the day my divorce will become final and my new life can begin. I'm am reluctant to believe them, because I've been hearing all this for the past 2 years. It makes me wonder if it will ever end. And, so this last court date will be like every other, I am asked to wait...wait while the professionals work their "magic." Hence the last chapter:
So here I am, having survived the divorce process and I find myself wondering: who the hell am I? I have brief glimpses of the career woman I was: able to do public speaking, give press conferences, address a State Assembly Task Force. I had built a reputation as a hard worker, who didn't give up until the job was done, and done correctly. My marketing efforts won national awards, and I was often asked to write articles for local and national publications. I was constantly offered employment opportunities and I wasn't even 30! Looking back at all that, I'm proud of the person I once was. And I wonder if she inside me somewhere, and can I get her to come out again.
Today, I look in the mirror and find myself wondering who this is I see looking back at me. I used to be cute, and funny, and confident, and capable. Now I see a woman who is so unsure of herself; who questions every decision, and is sometimes unable to do what she knows needs to be done. Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm still very much afraid of the consequences of my actions, as I was throughout my marriage. In my relationship with others, I find myself so eager to please and so in need of constant reassurance that what I'm doing is correct. I see this in myself, but something is holding me back from changing this, and I don't know what that is.
It as though I can picture the person I want to be, but she's far away and I don't know how to reach her. And I am trying, every day, to be the person I want to be; to put my fears aside and do what's best despite the consequences.
From the outside, it looks like I'm doing just that. I've started my own business, I've fallen in love again, I am trying to sell my house. All these thing I see as important steps to healing the wounds still deep inside me.
My counselor, my family and friends, all tell me I should be proud of what I've survived and what I have built on my own. But I'm not. And I hate that about myself. In my business, my relationship with Jeff, I am this insecure, whinny child who is afraid it might all come crashing down at any minute. Is it so far-fetched that because of my experience I can run a company? I have fulfilled a life-long dream here and I'm sitting here waiting for it to fall.
Is it so hard to believe that a man could find me attractive, even sexy? That this same man could actually love me and want a future with me? Yes, it is too hard to believe. So I find myself trying to sabotage the relationship. I pick fights, I find any reason to break up with him because I'm worried that he will someday see the really Ann and not want to be with me at all. So better to be the breaker than the breakee, right?
posted by ann @ 3:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home