Hi Dad

Dear Dad,

Saturday will mark the 1 year anniversary of your death. It doesn't seem that long ago when I walked into your hospital room to find you awake. I'm sorry I didn't stay longer. I'm sorry you didn't get to see my kids. I wish I had said what was in my heart but I hope and pray that you already knew.

What I didn't realize that day, even though I knew you would soon be leaving me, is how much I would miss you. You said I was alot like you. I hope and pray that I am. And that I am someone you can be proud of. I miss you Dad. Everyday, I miss you. I wish I could see you. Talk to you. Share my feeling with you. Cry on your shoulder. I need you so much sometimes and I feel like I have no where to turn. No one to confide in like I could with you.

Please hear me dad. Please help me dad. That day in the hospital I told you that I would be fine without you. Did you know I was lying?

Life is sometimes so hard. You were always there to ease my burden and my pain. When will it be my turn, Dad? When will the "good guy" finish first? I know you're up there listening to me. Please find a way to help me. Please find a way to talk to me. Please lead the way for me. Give me a better life. A daughter that will love and respect me. A job I can be proud of. Enough money to pay my bills. Am I asking too much? Maybe I am and for that I'm sorry. See how much I still need you? I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much you mean to me while you were alive to hear it.

Put in a good word with the Big Guy for me, ok! As always, love, your daughter. xoxo

My Dad

I miss my dad so much. Some days I can't get him out of my head. I've moved into my new house and he's not there. He said he would be there. I miss him. Everytime I pick up a paint brush I think about him with me, supervising. I need you, Dad. I'll always need you. But now there's a hole in my heart. He was my north star. My idea bouncer. The one person who kept me on level ground. I will always love you Dad. And I miss you with all my heart.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

It's funny and incredibly odd to be saying this now, after 47 years of life, but I'm ready to start living. I'm ready, and even anxious to see what lies ahead, and what, ultimately, I will become when I finally do grow up.

Why has it taken this long? I'm not sure. Life is a journey with clear paths and rocky roads. It has it's hills that seem insurmountable and it has it's valley, that are so easy to traverse. Some people seem to be able to walk the path of life with little help, and not much effort. Others, myself included find ourselves so unsure of the next step, almost afraid of what "may" lie ahead.

At this point in my life I feel like a sports commentator, analyzing the Sunday afternoon game on Monday morning. It's so easy to see the fumbles, the missed field goal attempts, the dropped passes and see why they all happened. It's obvious, watching it in slow motion to understand the plays that led to the touchdown. Unfortunately, when your on the field and the play comes to life with the "hike" of the ball, you have no idea if the pass will be completed or will end in a quarterback sack.

So now what's in store for Ann? I have absolutely no idea. I heard this song recently called "I'm Alive." It's about a man who has decided not to dwell on all the heartache and pain and be thankful. Thankful at this point for being about to breath in and out. And right now, he sings, "that's good enough for me."

And I keep on listening to that song, over and over again, willing myself to accept that it's good enough for me too. So, on with life. Get your act together, Ann, and take that first step toward your future. It may not be perfect, it may have it hills, but it will also have its valleys, and there is so much to learn along the way.

And with that, I'm off...I'm following the yellow brick road, albeit, without the goofy skipping thing. You know you can do it, because you can do anything and you are strong enough to see it all, experience it all, and live to talk about it. Go get them tiger!

Wants and Needs

Did you ever want something so badly that it made you blind to the imperfections? I think that's where I'm at with Jeff. I find myself wondering if I love HIM or the idea of a "HIM." Does that make sense? I'm trying really hard to figure this one out so bare with me.

I know the man I met. I know the man I fell in love with. Did he change so much that he's not the same person or did I? Was I so thrilled at the idea of being loved and loving that I didn't see the flaws? The man I fell in love with was so sweet. He would do these random acts of kindness just to show he cared. He would rearrange things just to be with me. He made me smile and laugh. The Jeff I know now doesn't do a thing to make me feel special. My birthday? Valentines? Nothing! The Jeff I met made everyday feel like Valentine's Day. Now all he does is criticize, yell, swear and make me feel total inadequate. And you know something weird? The last time he started treating me like this was when he started cheating on me. Coincidence? I don't think so. I find myself wondering why. Why would he do this to me? The man I fell in love with wanted me and only me. This current Jeff says he wants me, but his actions say the exact opposite!

So did I not see all this in the beginning? Did he hide it? Was I blind to it? Have I changed? Did he? You know what...it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I know I'm a good person. I'm kind and funny and generous. I have so much to give the right person. And most importantly, I should never settle for less than what I deserve. And what I deserve is everything. Hell, I'm willing to give it, right?! The man I end up with would be lucky to have me. End of story!

You Don't Find Love. Love Finds You

I'm broken hearted. It hurts so much I sometimes have to remind myself to breathe. I keep on asking myself why I'm so upset. This was my choice. This was my decision. And I still believe it was the right decision for everyone concerned. So why, then, do I feel so sad? And how do I fill the hole where my heart used to be?

I think I've finally figured it out. I think it's because I've been looking at this love thing all wrong. I thought I fell in love with Jeff. As if I had a say in the matter. Instead, I think that love finds us, whether we want it to or not. We, basically, have no say in the matter. And that's maybe why we find ourselves in love with someone that perhaps are heads can't understand. I remember thinking, when my head was in control, that Jeff was not even close to the type of man I thought I was attracted to. But to me, and to my heart, he was the sweetest, kindest, sexiest, man I will ever know. And any woman would be fortunate to have him in their life.

It was his smile...and his eyes (they actually sparkled). And when we met it was as though I had known him forever. It all seemed so easy. It all felt so right.

Looking back I am actually amazed that he stayed with me for so long. He probably would have stayed with me forever. We both made so many stupid mistakes. I can't explain his mistakes, but I know all the ones that I made. I acted foolish and childish and selfish and insecure. And yet this man kept on coming back to me. Again, it was as if, despite all the stupidity and problems and fights and anger; and despite our heads not understand the rationale behind our heart's choice, we found ourselves always back together. Which, for me at least, felt like where I needed to be; where I finally belonged.

I know my decision to end this doesn't make sense. And I know I'll spend the rest of my miserable life regretting it. But I also I know this is the right choice. Maybe not for me, or my heart, but for Jeff, and my kids, and his and their future happiness. Maybe I'm not as selfish as I think I am. No one deserves everything this man went through. No one should have to live with the craziness that's gone on. No one needs to have someone who may never be whole again. And, as selfish as I know I am, the fact that he endured it all, and was still by my side makes me love him even more. I love you Jeffrey David Moyer. And I hope you know I always will.

Right Back Where I Started

I started this blog with that ridiculous statement: "If Life Gives You Lemons..." Oddly enough, I find myself right back where I started.

I've come to the conclusion that this IS my life. It has it's challenges and difficulties, setbacks and heartaches, tears and worries. But it's all mine. And if I look at the flip side of this picture, I see it from a totally different perspective. From the flip side, I see progress and forward motion. I see positive changes and lessons learned. And, most importantly, I see myself. I'm still here. I'm still moving forward. And in between the tears and sadness I can see smiles and happiness and hope.

So, Ann, instead of feeling trapped, used, and targeted for heartache, see yourself as a survivor.

My health: I'm finally taking control of my body and health afain, instead of the other way around. I've started eating better, taking vitamins, working out, and stopped smoking. All this has resulted in a loss of 12 pounds and feeling so much better. I really let myself go there. I wonder if because of all the stress from my relationship with Jeff, I used food and laziness to ease the pain. Who cares? Right? What matters now is I am feeling so much better than I was before. And, as an extra bonus, I'm looking sexy again! I'm actually getting attention from man when I'm workng out at Bally's.

My business: My business has made it through the first year. That's an important landmark! The prospects for the future look really good. And I know, deep in my heart now, that this will work; that this will be successful. So, what lessons were learned? I learned to trust myself and my capabilities. I learned to realize that every business has ups and downs, busy times and slow times. So you need to take advantage of the busy times as a means of planning for the slow times. And I learned that, despite the fact that I think I'm wonderful, not everyone else will. I'll lose potential clients, and that's OK. I don't have to take it as a personal attack.

My children: I've learned that my children have been through just as much hurt and pain and conflict as I have. Maybe even more so, since they didn't ask for any of this. It hasn't been easy for me, so I now understand how difficult this was for them. We're getting it together. I'm changing the way I deal with them. I'm changing the way I react to them. I'm changing the way we connect to each other. I know people think the kids are the ones who need to change, not me. But this new counselor and this new program have proven that by me changing, the whole dynamic of our family changes. It's amazing to see and to me, at least, it makes sense. Is it all perfect now? No, not at all. But it is moving in the right direction. And, I can't tell you how good these changes make me feel. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm in control of my kids and my household. We've got rules and expectations and consequences and rewards when the rules and expectations are met. Do they still sometimes break the rules? Absolutely! But now when that happens there is no yelling, or screaming and the incident doesn't escalate out of control. The consequences simply fall into place. And they get it. They now realize that mom "means what she says, and says what she means!"

My love life: It's been an interesting journey here, hasn't it. I thought the search was over and I had found the man of my dreams. I guess I found out differently. This is one area of my life that I definitely need to work on. As I look back at my relationship with Jeff, I can see mistakes I made. Probably the biggest mistake was letting it go on for so long, when I knew (yes, Ann you knew), that he was cheating on me all along. This all goes back to the little voice theory. I need to remember to listen to that voice because, in the case, it was right on the money. But I eonder why did I allow he to do that to me over and over and over again? Why did I put up with that? Why would I let myself be treated like that? Have I learned nothing from my relationship with Mike? And why do I keep on thinking that I can change someone elses behavior. I can't. I kept on thinking that things would change with Jeff. I kept on not seeing what was right in front of me. Why? I deserve better. I deserve someone who is honest, and faithful and trustworthy. Jeff, does not have those characteristics. He said it himself at the beginning, that he was never faithful to anyone. Why did I think I would be any different? I deserve to be loved unconditional. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be accepted for who I am, despite my shortcomings. Time to move on Ann. It's time to not jump into a relationship heart first. There's no hurry here. I've got the rest of my life to find the one person who sets my soul on fire. And I will find him. Of this I'm sure! And now that I'm back out there it's kind of fun. For the first time, I'm not pursuing men. They're pursuing me. What a boost to my ego. Maybe Jeff was right. Maybe I am beautiful and sexy. Too bad that wasn't enough for him, because for the first time in over 2 years I can honestly say it is HIS lose!

Family and friends: OK, it's pay back time here. I'm blessed. I really am. I don't think there is another person on earth who has a better support system than I do. My family is amazing. My friends are unbelievable. They are the ones that have gotten me here. And now that I'm able, it's time for me to pay them back. Time for me to help instead of being helped. Time for me to listen instead of talk. Time for me to give of myself for them. Time to be there without even being asked.

So, there you have it. I've put all the past behind me. And I'm moving forward with a positive attitude. I pray I always remember where I was, so that I can realize that getting to where I am wasn't an easy task. But I did it! I made it! And that knowledge alone should give me hope that I can survive anything!

What's that pray? "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Could Someone Please Take the "Kick Me" Sign Off My Back?

I'm reading this book about trusting yourself. It reminds us that we all have a little voice inside us that gives us advice. This voice is impartial and not affected by emotions. The voice gives you the truth, no matter what. What the book neglects to tell you is how to hear this voice, and how to listen to this voice.

This book also talks about your outlook on life. It all makes sense, really. If you believe positive things, than positive things will happen. If you believe negative things, than negative things will happen. Easy enough to understand, right? But what if it doesn't work that way? What if you believe positive things, but negative things always seem to happen. And what if there is so much negativity in your life that never seems to end. How the hell do you break the curse?

I find myself up to my neck in this stuff. And I can't help but wonder: Am I just jinxed? Is there a sign on my back that says "Kick me?"

And why, I keep asking myself, is it always happening to me? I know what I sound like, believe me. I sound like an eternal pessimist. I really don't mean to be. I swear. I know I've been wallowing in self-pitting throughout my divorce, and I'm sorry, but I don't think you can blame me for that one. But I really thought I had gotten past that. That I'd gotten on with my life and began to look ahead...to be happy with where my life was headed...the glass was finally half full!

This thing with Jeff put me right back into the quicksand that I had just gotten out of. My dad always like to say: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." But I'm wondering...can't he share it with someone else, because thanks anyway, but my plate is full. Speaking of God, I find myself questioning my faith. Granted, I'm not a continual church goer, I admit. But I do believe that there is a God out there; that there is good and evil; that you should live you life as an example of how to be kind to others. So why, then, Dear Lord, did you put all this on my shoulders?

What wrong did I commit to warrant this massive mess that is my life? And now, when I need you most of all, why are you not listening to and helping me? If you were standing here right now, this is what I would ask of you, and I apologize for the length of the list:

1. Mend my broken heart. Help me stop loving the man I built my future dreams around. Help me stop thinking every minute of every day of him, the things we did, the times we spent together, the future we won't have, and the love I can't seem to end.
2. Fix the problems with my kids (specifically, my daughter). I've been a good mother. I know this. And I love my children above everything else. I'm really trying on this one, Lord, can you please help me out a little?
3. Help me decide the future of my career. Do I continue with my business despite the problems, set backs, and amount of effort it takes to keep it going? Or do I throw in the towel, get a nice simple 9-5 job with a paycheck and benefits?
4. Help me to be a better person. A better mother, daughter, sister, friend, employer, aunt.
5. Help me let go of my past. Of the pain, of the memories, of the lasting effects of a relationship that was so wrong.
6. Help me understand that there is pain and hardship in all our lives. Help me to be a strong person. To expect the challenges before me. To stand on my own two feet. To ask for help when I need it and to be there to help others.
7. Help me to live in the present and appreciate what I have around me right now. Help me to stop living in the past and hoping for the future.

Seven things. Not so bad, right? I need you now. Aunt Esther, I haven't asked for much help lately,I know. But I'm asking you to help me now, please. Please help me get the "Kick me" sign off my back once and for all.